ClaudePechabaden's PhotoBlog

more french shit - no need to read, it s all about negative merde

2009-11-26T14:23:01Z

I hate french keyboards I hate french sugar, cakes, biscuits; chocolates, bread, cheese* I hate myself french quick back to England where I actually feel sane 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 France drives me mad I wonder if it is the same france that drove my father mad Or is it something else maybe i should dig the garden and look for those bones of the heretic times ¨Poor SOUssis Poor misery poor hard life Poor suffering poor cows, now there are only 7 left poor all those that have to be there and eat all this cheese and bread and sugar and white flour and chocolates and argh I want to kill that facebook again hold me back or I will kill it Facebook reminds me my difficulty with others and brings back guilt; inadequacy; feelings of obligations; feeling like a human being in prison *Shall I kill my facebook again and get rid of all the people that i dont really know nor care about on it It would make me feel better I wish i actually liked people it's the sugar overdose I tell you; it s the sugar overdose Maybe i need to go and write a little piece again and not allow guilt to take it away from me I will kill facebook

Un temple

2009-11-23T13:01:49Z

With a broken, forrgotten memory of what used to be the using of females; the rape of foods and the not having any other choice, than to accept and be passive. Acceptant. Hateful, silently hateful. Though I do not need to be anymore now; the little girl, she is safe. She is playing and nothing can bother her again. She is protected by poneys with wings, and a charming little guard dog. She is happy, and I am watching her play: now, I can stop worrying about her being abused.

No blog no words no pictures no nothing - A notblog ending up as one.

2009-11-13T09:55:04Z

I have given up my blog again, I have lost my Oxfordshire phone pictures whilst putting them on my computer and they have vanished entirely, the computer is playing up twat games and Deadly, my faithful cameraman, is on the verges of madness. Blog has frozen, words have been repressed as quickly as it took someone (several someones) to tell me "You should be a writer, you should write, your words are so original and unusual and wonderful, you SHOULD WRITE A BOOK, YOU SHOULD WRITE EROTIC NOVELS" Well, now I can't write. I am frozen, the will has gone, and because creativity cannot be hammered inwards without coming out somewhere else, yesterday I did my first skirt in ages (for myself) and it is beautiful. White with black patterns and bits of gold. I can't write, don't ask me to write, I never knew how to write but I enjoyed what I did. THe compulsion to express was also tarnished by the fact my cousin Alain that I saw in France said to me cheerfully, at my brother's funeral, "AH, j'ai vu ton blog" (AH, I have seen your blog) and my answer was sorry and "contrite", pulling my face downwards because I do have mental and emotional difficulty with my family as I cannot manage to accept telling them I actually work in a supermarket. I just can't lower myself to the point of telling them that. It is the shittest job on earth, it has no reward, nowhere to go and I am truly ashamed of it. So him seeing my blog and saying it made me go numb. I thought "What if he guessed what I did?" and that would put me in such horrible situation that I just can't. I can't admit to what I do. It is too shameful. Working in such a horrible store, which abuses people and farmers and takes their every penny, leaving them with hardly enough to buy a pint on sundays, to me is attrocious. ALl that, so that I can pay my silly rent. My poor cousin, I didn't mean to be horrible and cut myself off away from him. He has not harmed me, he has done nothing to me; he is lovely, but I never see him, because I never go to the family parties, not feeling part of the family anyway and not wanting to be part of it. Why? Because I am revenging that little girl that never got the attention she deserved. The adults today may give me attention but it is too late, I do not want it. I wanted it then. Now, I want to be left alone, though then, all I wanted was to feel accepted, and to be accepted for who I was, a mischievous little girl, extroverted, who liked to play the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over again. Someone once said to me that the best jokes were the shortest ones and could I stop playing. So,I did. And I withdrew. I want nothing to do with them, it is unfortunate; I don't hate them, but I need to let go of my resentment and of the bullying that took place them with some of them. I feel sad towards my cousin. He is a lovely cousin. Maybe one day I will speak to him and admit to him the shameful job I am doing. Something which is so dangerous for the mind that it often make it trip; people get mad, they get lost, they try and get rid of themselves. People who work there think they have no value. It is because whom they are working for has no value in themselves; the bosses are nobody, other than making loads and loads of money, buying ferraries, taking as much as they can for themselves, using GM foods, chemicals, processing foods so it is all lifeless for the population that will consume it, and all the rest, like vacuuming the whole sea and spilling mercury onto the fish so we get poisonned as a result. All that to appeal to a society of consumption, which I am part of. And they treat their emloyees like shit. Can you simply imagine one moment, what it feels like to work in such a store where nobody cares about you? (and you care about nobody because they are all zombies and have no brains left and no compassion left neither) I hate every minute of it. And I will not admit to it. I should not be doing that job, mindless, at 31. I should be doing my therapy thing, but that is so slow it doesn't pay all the rent, even though I get my wonderful regular clients (the ones that cook the world's best sourkrout afterwards) I do not get enough of this inspiring work. Plus, I would rather do a job that is a bit more serious, more normal and accepted by society. Well, it's my thought right now, and my thought always changes, so maybe I will think different about it tomorrow. I really must try and find time for my receptionnist skill diploma thing. Then, I would be able to change jobs, and sit in a comfortable reception, eating biscuits, browsing the web and doing my notblog, and when some business man would enter, I would welcome them and tell them which room they should go in to do their rolling on the floor seminar. (that is a new way of training of business men, I have had meetings when in Oxfordshire with a conference roomfull of them, and told them how to find their inner self and rolled on the floor, then asked them to pose on the table with their most seductive and confident stance, and other things. It was not easy. i am not used to talking in front of people. They kept eating sweets and doing their adrenals with coffee and chocolates. Ah, business men... A naughty lot.) All that to say that my blog is temporarilly dead.

A mess with yet another (missed) god-like therapist

2009-11-04T16:20:08Z

Situation: A superb, amazing therapist offers unusual workshops at a London College. The workshops are really fantastic and start off a lot of healing in me. I miss the 3d workshop, and ask him how to catch up with it. He suggests I should come for a private session (at vast expense) at his house, (not knowing there were cheaper one-to-one sessions at the college) and that session, even though helpful in some small ways, is greatly disappointing, as I was really tired and he talked at me the whole way through about his stories, and doesn't do any of the workshop material on me like I was hoping he would do. Yes, I should have expressed what I would have liked, but when I start considering those therapists like gods, I feel it is not my right to say or ask for anything and I should just leave it to their divinity. (Poor Max) The session leaves me frustrated and slightly upset at him, though I still want to carry on with the workshops because they have been so fantastic, and book the 3 remaining ones. The workshop a few days after the one-to-one session is anotehr flop; I am tired again and non-communicative, and I can't help but being resentful at how much he charged me for the private session and not bringing much help for what I wanted help with. This is a sery of emails which happened after that, he sent a newsletter to all the students and asked if we had received it. This is another lesson... Quit seeking desperately for that precious divinity in others, but look for your own inside yourself... Humans are humans. Nobody is up there as you think they are. They may be more advanced in some things, but we really are on the same level. -------- Original Message -------- Subject: [SPAM] The A of Voice - , 2009 From: "The A of Voice" <The_@mail.com> Date: Fri, October 23, 2009 8:46 pm To: c@o-f.co.uk "Dear Alchemediums, Hello and thank you for all your many loving attentions. So many of you have emailed me expressing your concerns for my welfare, and wondering why you weren't receiving Newsletters, or details with regard to the website's Blog. I apologize. I've been very busy as explained in the Blog, and yet now after the oscillations of the last three months (including moving home and Alchemy Base), I'm now able to extend my communications once more in this.." [etc - truncated email as I don't want to post all that] ------------------------------------------- On 25/10/2009 12:06, "c@o-f.co.uk" <c@o-f.co.uk> wrote: Yes, this email looks like it arrived, thanks for your newsletter. S, thanks for giving me the angelic codes from the last workshop, though in our one to one session you explained that they had all different purpose, and those purpose are not marked below the codes themselves? Like, which was the one that was used to heal cancer patients? And had they do be said 21 times for 21 times a day for 21 days? Could you (if you could) please tell me what the codes were used for? I really feel I missed something extremely important in that workshop and I don't feel I have caught it up at all with our "catch up" session - something I felt slightly resentful about but couldn't express at the time as I Was so tired and tied up in my own feelings of worthless ness.. LIke you said about the absolution of karma and the letting go of resentment and things, which was what that workshop was about. Anyhow, I will stick with the workshops till the end and find in it the best I can, to help myself and my own "divinity". Thanks C ----------------------------------------- -------- Original Message -------- Subject: Re: [SPAM] The A of Voice - From: S P <s@s.com> Date: Sun, October 25, 2009 10:50 am To: <c@o-f.co.uk> Dear Claude, It seems by the content of this email that you haven’t received the core notion of THE ALCHEMY OF VOICE, that all there is, is love. I suggest that if you feel the work can help you express yourself, your life and your sovereignty with love, that you wait until next season, join the workshop for THE ANGELIC CODES and then attend the two or three following workshops. All the information that was gathered by the workshop attendees was included in the brochure I gave you. If you look under each code there is a direction given. Anything else I shared with you was information I had gathered from using the code or codes in a ‘general’ sense, and this was not imparted in the workshop. The other day an old client of mine mentioned that KRYON has also downloaded information about codes that can be used at this time to activate our DNA. Perhaps you would be better served using that information. Also, you could transmute your resentment into realizing that you are free to interact with the work in a loving way, rather than projecting it onto someone else. You harbor a misunderstanding. THE V FLAME is the workshop (workshop 7) where the noble rite of atonement releases Karma, once identified; the codes are defined to help identify the Karma. Lastly, I would suggest that a more vocal or interactive role with the work, in workshop, would help you express your feelings, rather than holding them back and using a vessel like email to vent. This is evidently something that’s needs healing within you, rather than blaming anyone else, as I recommended yesterday. Blame and Accusation symbolize our lack of ability to define our co-creative role in the behavior or feeling. It is not done to us, but rather we allow it to happen. When we wake to this, INSIGHT & RESOLUTION open a powerful path of understanding to occur, and we begin to live more love! Love & Blessings, S ------------------------------------------ -------- Original Message -------- Subject: RE: [SPAM] The A of Voice - From: <c@o-f.co.uk> Date: Wed, October 28, 2009 2:52 pm To: "S P" <s@s.com> Do you suggest I should interrupt the workshops for now ? If it is your feeling, maybe I should indeed; I have paid for them all but I am sure they would allow me to use the money elsewhere. Thanks for your feedback Claude Ps: I cant help but feeling disappointed about the one to one session; that is all. Your workshops have helped me immensely; I thought I felt safe in that group, which I dont normally do. Maybe I mistook about that safety and my being an active and wanted part of it; I always look for the God in each human being, particularly the ones that have followed a road allowing them to expand in wisdom: my mistake is I always forget they also are human, and none is pure god. We all have [human]flaws. ----------------- END OF EMAIL ----------------- Guess what: and I am getting used to this now. HE DID NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL!!! Hihihi. I will have to start making a list of all the therapists I have traumatised with my emails or communications. It is at least 4 this year. A healer who became a boyfriend, a hypnotherapist (who was very primitive), a craniosacral teacher and bigboss, a cranio-sacral therapist, a health book author, and now a sound healer... All that from saying what I think, using the writen word. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Or with them. Or with both.

Peace

2009-10-28T15:59:00Z

Many blessings to the PEACE and to him; may his family be protected and care be shared, people will get back together and the CLANS be destroyed and unified. It may not happen, it may a bit, it may entirely; familly s are so very odd and traumatised yet doing their best with ancestry s weight. Much peace and healing to Damien.

Merci, Pays de Galles. Tu m'a redonné de ce que j'avais perdu.

2009-10-23T16:22:06Z

Wales, a beautiful place, many memories, many magicians, spirits, friends, creatures, fairies, spelled ones, happy ones, grumpy ones, kicking ones, fighting ones... Thank you, Wales, for having given me a bit of what I had lost. My childhood, my magic, and this self-care, nurturing that I long to find.

yet another

2009-10-20T15:28:14Z

day passing without having closed the door said what was in the mind of duvious importance avoided and saved; though I wanted to say I wanted to say WHY? Why 150 when only 60 at the college? Why only talk monologue during that time rather than look at what was asked which needed help with? Why was my will shrunk, inexistent, my energies pulled within into an oval and tight woolen ball? Why is it that the God is always just human Always something which I see could be better, but why would I and who am I to judge? Scarcity, he proves me, is in our belief. He demonstrates that his is indeed inexistent. Why chose such a part of the Greater city to live with, in such knightsbridge surroundings, is it to please the ones he wants to work with, the ones with fame and/or money? To attract them there because "he is part of them" and maybe yes, he is? Why talk about his others with sometimes, such cheek, just like LL used to do, sometimes even name dropping? Why my bitterness as I fold myself down into 2, disappearing my essence, all which is left is my carapace ephemere of this constant trouble He is much evolved, it is true, much more and I aspire to what I see in him; though... Can't I find my own? I can see I will keep on being disappointed by those I see as so pure, though I know they would deny (and so should they) that purity they are labelled with; but always there will be something showing me "They are not god, they are still human and humans are full of mistakes or things that they could always improve, even the most holy ones". Why this bitterness towards this which I know will be given back, those numbers which are only of human value, those twenties and ten and why do I feel like if I had yet again been stupid, put myself in an experience that is not as rewarding as the workshops, in which I was nearly silent... Tied inside myself only showing the awkward and primitive, unevolved. He even had to tell me "You are allowed to smile" as I was being too serious (tired, fearful and doubtful of all light kingdoms) when all I wanted was lay on the floor and fall asleep whilst he would do some sounds around me to chase the amnesia... Bitterness always, towards all those therapists and enlightened ones that are ever so ancient and pure, promise me with their eye their human unconditional souly love, yet still do those mistakes which I see as such and though should be so obviously avoided by the pure-of-mind? Can't I forgive myself for not being perfect? I obviously can't forgive others (who are the potential of leadership) for it. I shall be so stern or rigid and unhappy about never being 'good enough'? This session was still very useful; I feel like a piece of Mac Chicken afterwards (how I imagine such meat feels) and thougth so low of myself, it was fortunate I had a couple of warm texts from dearest friends that reminded me of a certain 'value' or strengh I have shown which others say they see and want to encourage. Sometimes, I see my mind so dark that I feel way far beyond the possibility of being forgiven for all the dirt that my mind has ever thought of and let out in the ether. I am so ashamed of my mind. I could never be pure enough. If I had been a crossed ancient, I would definitely have flagelated out of the bodymind the impurities that soil its life. Though, I have to move beyond this. The criticism and lack of purity is only coming from my own judgement, judgement is personality and not soul, so it can be happily ignored. Pointless personality, though I was born with it and I have to make friends with it. Why have I always felt so impure??? That even criminals are much more than I am? Why the spleen and the fear? The family spleen believing that it is all about scarcity and suffering, so one should contract (and not have much immune system) in order to protect the very little that one owns? The fear of loss and early decaying-illness of the body... It was felt in the spleen. My brother. 21 days. 21 days. 21 days and it will change

Fraud

2009-10-13T10:00:13Z

Can I say how happy and grateful I am at the hsbc fraud department that has called me up a few days ago to tell me they suspected a fraud going on with a debit card, online; there were 4 transactions attempted to be done with my details, Sainsbury's for £220, declined, Camo, never heard of it, for £250 something, a third store I don't remember the name of for a similar £200 amount, both declined, and Tesco's for £225.70, which went through (greedy bastards, not checking on the card holder's name and address!) This was Tesco's in Yeading. The transactions were made either by phone or online. The bank were very good to call me to let me know, and blocking it as they suspected fraud. Now, I do hope it is nobody I know that has gone to do a bit of shopping in my name in this horrible Tesco's, or I will get in trouble! (would any of my friends dare shopping in such horrible store? No! Tesco's sucks!) It is really good to feel protected, even though it will take a while to get it all sorted, I expect.

Accounts

2009-10-12T12:37:24Z

M, I know you do not encourage communication, and you want to protect yourself very much from involvement in whatever sort that may be, with clients - I totally understand it. It is a way of working. Though, I have come to a point where I have felt the sessions have brought me less and less, mainly because my needs and what you offer are very apart, very different. What I found in you at the beginning was vitality; I felt nurtured and "followed", which is the key element of what is happening now, and the mental difficulty I found myself in since a few days. As it went on, as my communication didn't get much response from you or brought me responses from you that I found unhelpful or which felt like"a diversion", it has drawn be downwards and made me feel that what I long for, I cannot find it with you in a therapy sense and I will have to carry on seeking for "someone else" in order to find it. I miss and regret my gone homeopath from Basingstoke: he used to prompt me to write to him regularly and writing to him was a big part in my treatment; he would hardly reply to it but would talk about the letters as if they had been an important part in the healing process and the therapy itself. He did not "care" for me I don't think, and I was not in love with him, but I felt "followed" and cared for, because what was happening to me was important to him and he made me understand that it was so, even though he didn't give me much feedback about it. He became too possessive in a therapy sense, as I told you, which was why I eventually stopped seeing him; though he was the one I could call in the middle of the night, and it happened once, when I was spiked with ecstasy by some ex-boyfriend whom I didn't trust, and thought I was going to die; I had nobody else to call and I called him for help; he reassured me and told me I was unlikely to die and should drink a lot of salted water. He was concerned and was probably upset by my calling at such strange hours; though to be able to do that brought me an immense trust and relief. I only did it twice in 4-5 years of being followed by him, and in the whole, he helped me very much. But, I cannot go back to him, as he would disagree with all my experimentations with other therapies and psychic things and readings that I go to. Though, I miss someone like him. Every other therapist I have met since him, (except a French therapist I see occasionally who has similarities), have been over protective of themselves and have not given me the time that I feel I need, nor the untold, professional nurturing and the feeling cared for, even though it is without affection, without physical contact and without words. I did not invade on him, other than sending him those huge letters every month or 2, and occasionally talking on the phone when I had a crisis, which I didn't abuse of and only used him as a last resort. I respected him, and cherished this feeling of being "followed", "heard" and cared for by him, in a profesionnal sense. Someone I could trust and ask any question to. I never could find anyone I could relate to or trust to that point since; there is this extreme need in me to feel followed, read and cared for in a therapy sense. Lately, as my difficulties have been marinating in me, mainly with this stupid NHS clinic with the African doctor that doesn't speak English and who doesn't give a damn and the sadomasochist nurse that doesn't neither and is really weird, I woke up this morning having a panic about what is happening to my body and I have been feeling since a few days (a couple of weeks) . It brought up this thought of "M isn't able to provide me with what I need and I need to seek elsewhere as he doesn't really give a shit about what may happen to me except during sessions, which are really too short to be able to let anything happen and be expressed". My needs are too high for what you are able, or willing, to offer; what I truly need is spiritual help, a connection that I feel is genuinely there and even when I am not talking to the person, that I can feel I can rely on, even just in my head, knowing they do give a bit of a shit about what happens to me and whether I blossom or not. I do have a therapist like that in France, as I said above, but I cannot see him very often. Just like the homeopath, he likes to read my letters and seems to care just that slight bit I need, in order for me to feel confident about expressing how I feel, and KNOWING IT WILL BE READ and heard. The sessions, as a result, are amazing and make me evolve a huge lot. The ones, lately, with you, haven't. I am sorry, I don't feel you could really receive me in that sense. I know looking at all that I say here, from above, it sounds like I am trying to substitute "relationships" in my life with "therapists" and their destiny and what happens with them and my relationships is intrinsically linked. But it is part of my symptom, I suppose. I do not want a "real" loving relationship,as you know, though I want to know I am cared for, by someone I can look up to and whom I can feel comforted by; a bit like a mother or father figure, I suppose. With you, it has been slightly odd as for when we first met; as I tried to express in that very dry and short email I sent you many weeks ago after I had had a crisis during one of the sessions during which I wasn't able to express to you what was happening, and added as a PS which you ignored at the end, about another email I had written that meant a lot to me which was destined to you, but which I wasn't sure was right to send; well, maybe I should have sent it. That email was not much to do with therapy. You didn't ask about it. You have not asked about many things that I have expressed. You seem not to want to hear or see certain things that I send, or at least, if you receive them, you act as if they were never sent or said. You seem to withdraw and hide behind untold things. It is my feeling. It may not be true. You may just be whom you want to be and whom you are comfortable being, and which works with many patients and people, and I wish for you that it carries on doing so. It just doesn't work for me, and that feeling hurts me more than anything. I do not feel heard. Strangely...What happened to me with my latest relationships? (I am talking boyfriends, now, even though it has happened with therapists) ? Their Retreating into silence. Symptom, again, again. A circle. Please realise that this is about me, my symptoms reflect in you; and it has probably not much to do with you. I may sound bitter, but I am only expressing how I feel, I know you can only give what you are willing to give. And it is fine. Please, do not feel it as an aggression. I am only a weak, reactive human being on its way to development and mind-soul reconciliation. I am very unbalanced. As I said to you, I have usually refused to retreat within the silence when something has gone difficult with someone else, with any of my relationships, be they acquaintances, friends, boyfriends or therapists. Though I was ready to go away from you this morning without saying anything more, since you didn't seem bothered about my reasons for cancelling the appointment, and took my "I'm fine thanks" , (said in a crackled, unsteady voice) without asking for any more. But I changed my mind as your odd text message arrived, later this morning. It made me change, and makes me go back to my own truth; now, I refused to go away from you without explaining how I feel. At least if I act this way , it will be honouring and worthy of my truth. If I didn't do so, I would be as lesser as all those who have done it to me, in recent years and months, and it has been many of them. They obviously think that silence and space cures all things; well, it doesn't. It may work with some people, but not others, like I. Honesty is something I seek within, however hard it is to express by voice, it is much easier with writing. So, I may abuse of it to compensate my lack of spoken truth. As I found out, Michael Kern wants nothing to do with the truth; or at least,doesn't want to listen to some of those that are around him; it is where his course and treatments can't be the best nor entirely helpful for humanity. It is why I was severely disappointed as I thought it he was much wiser, and was more of a pure being than what he actually is. His teachings are all about "political correctness" which means a lot of repressing what we feel or think. It was a huge twist to my timid and repressed being. I am glad I left, even if it left me without a diploma and £5000 poorer. You have learned with him; and in your behaviour, I can see some of his teachings and his influence, which I personally sense as harmful. I do not know if you are shy of nature, or private, or indifferent, or scared of other's reactions. I do not know who you, M, really are, other than what I see and have heard of you. You do have a lot of wisdom. I have never asked who you were, because it is not really my place, now we had started being "patient/therapist" since those few weeks. I am not meant to ask about you, the etiquette is that the patient talks about himself and the therapist listens or gives advice, which you do. The patient does not interfere nor ask about the private life of its therapist. It is slightly extreme. I know that to go to therapy sessions is not about making friends, even though it can happen sometimes (rarely - because of all the etiquette and also the therapist's protection of their private time.) but there is sometimes a lack of humanity in therapy. Not intentioned, since the aim of the therapist is to help humanity and give of themselves in order to do good. But there is something I feel slightly fake in it. Particularly as our western society's structure calls for therapies more and more, rather than relying on the social support between people, friends and family. Strangely, as I am having more and more difficulty with "authority" and "helpful" figures in my life, be they therapists or boyfriends, I am slowly finding out that those close to me, my dear friends whom I never gave much attention to, actually are being more and more helpful, closer to me and nurturing, which I didn't feel before. Maybe my own balance is getting back to the one that, as part of humanity, it should always have been, when people didn't need therapists. Though, I would quite like to be a therapist that helps people not need therapists; so it would put me out of a job if it was the case. And I do not want to leave you without a job neither. All that to say, that silence, and the feeling of not being heard, or at least not being told the truth about whether you wanted to hear me or not, has hurt me enough to want to part ways. I know it is important not to become involved emotionally or mentally with anyone, particularly patients (and therapists!!!); but I always do, because I am so needy. Though, a bit of truth or a few words which may not be politically correct are really, really needed. (words which that french therapist tells me, and he has shocked me many times, in those times of everyone suing for anything, he must be careful with what he says, but he is so truthful and sometimes blunt that one has to forgive him as he is being himself) An assessment of what our place is, what your place is, what the rules are. To be honest and honour the space, hear the needs of both people. You are not a machine, you are a therapist. Even though you may have felt to me, from your behaviour and response, like a machine at times, the same way Michael Kern feels heavily metallic within his approach. I think it is important to find again what humanity needs; whilst being wary and careful of where the western world is taking us to. (the suing - which leads to us watching every single word we may want to say) The same way you sometimes feel like machine, I feel overly, extremely flesh and emotions, and lack that metallic support in me. I am sure there is a balance in those approaches; why you are drawing me to be like this, and why I am drawing from you to be as you are; or why we were drawn to each other and for what purpose. Silence and space can feel like machine. Manipulation. Even though it is what Michael praises and in some ways, there is truth in it being beneficial. But it can be and may feel like manipulation. How often I felt it that way. It's my own problem I suppose. On the other hand, from the opposite of acting like a "machine", is "Over-involving" and "Over-reacting"in a very primitive human way, which can both lead us straight into the meat grinder, and maybe it is even more dangerous. Which is what used to be done in the past, when doctors and people would just be opinionated and silly and fall out yet, being with their own truth and hearing each other even though they would disagree. They didn't get sued so they could just be who they wanted to be, in those times, which lead to a lot of abuse, I am sure. Maybe there is a third alternative, than either being meat or meat-grinding-machine. I am sure you will take all this with distance, my words are emotional, sometimes intellectual and sometimes reaction-seeking; sometimes confrontational, sometimes unfair, sometimes right to the point. Please, forgive me for them. Unfortunately, I am human. I will leave you with this, but because I do not want any regrets in my life, of an expressive type, I will also forward the email that I had written in big depths of crisis, that day I had met you in the Homeopathic centre and had forgotten my jumper in the therapy room, and what had happened to me during that session which I had not been able to express. You are a big person, (I was going to say "a big boy" but it is not my place to say so) you can handle it, and I do mean what I am going to add, whether you reply or not is up to you; I will not expect an answer, because what was more important to me was to express what was within and was left rotting; the reaction back this time, is not needed. But to speak my truth is. I hoped such emails like this one would have triggered when I sent them to people I cared, in the past, including Michael Kern, and the last 3 boyfriends; though, they were responded to with silence, and I got hurt by it. I must learn to give, without expecting anything back in return. I will be and feel honoured, today, if you do not reply. C

A night in Cheese Land - catching up with bits

2009-10-11T12:14:19Z

There were a few bits of cheese on the cheese board. As usual, they were old. On this cheese board, there was a crust of what used to be a very nice goat's cheese, which I did like. There was a crust of something else which was still edible, and nice also. There was a 3d piece of cheese, it was one of those cheap cheeses that you can buy in French supermarkets under the supermarket's brand, usually packaged in polystyrene with cling film over it, and usually made out of some dodgy milk-plastic mixes. This one was a pretend "Cantal" or "Gruyere", that sort of cheese. It had been nibbled at, but not being popular, had been there for about 2 months and had started to go stale and growing blue and white moulds on it. This was the cheese board of Soussis. It was getting dark, and it was the evening. I decided , in my grown-upness, to clean up that cheese board and give the cheese to the chickens; hopefully, they would still be awake enough and I would go with the cheese in their courtyard, get them up from their "perchoirs" where they sleep at night and tempt them to come out to eat the chopped cheese that I would throw for them. So off I went, in the chicken's courtyard, decluttering this old cheese, which was still edible but since nobody seemed to give it any attention, I thought it it was fair enough to get rid of it. People always kept things till they went bad, and then ate it, in this part of the world. (note to self- unbalanced lurking in there somewhere) The chickens were around, and they picked at the cheese. They were still awake, and they quite liked that old plastic and crusts of cheeses. I was happily hiding away in there, when of course, who arrived to catch me doing such a punishable act by the law 243 of Soussis Law book? My Dragon aunt, who started shouting at me for giving away some "still edible cheese" to the chickens! Oh fuck, I thought. Why must i always get caught when I do people a favour? She said to me, bitter and aggressive: "So, here you are, food was restrained to you in the past, you couldn't get much of it, and today, what you have, YOU THROW IT AWAY!!!" She said, in a way which was compromising for her. So, it was it, was it? I was being restrained and denied food as a child? Now, that is one bit of interesting information, my dear dragon-Aunt! I never expected to hear that in my life, but it all made sense. Why today I was such a "money waster" and threw away so many things I could buy. Because I couldn't get them in the past, and now I could get them, I didn't want them anymore, as a gesture of showing them that they did wrong by restricting me. I replied to her, half awake "Ah so if it is the case, it is no wonder that I do that now, IT IS KARMA!!!" Replying to her, again? Decidedly, I am rather self-aware in my lucid dreams, nowadays. Well, at least, when I allow myself to go to bed early and managed to get a superb, restful night sleep with many other dreams, like making up with Kez who was still pregnant and hadn't had her child yet. But this time, about the cheese... And the throwing away, the guilt of doing so, the guilt of eating, of being alive...